I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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