Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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