did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
