new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
