i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
