I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
