I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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