I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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