After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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