if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
