I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
