My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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