Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
