Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
