Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
