when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
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'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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