I didn't shave. On purpose
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize