I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
