The police scanner is talking about you again....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
