I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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