I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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