Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
