I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
