Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
