I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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