I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
