Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
