I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
