it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
