It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
