he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
