im six kinds of drunk right now
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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