I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
