It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
handjob tips. give me some.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
