hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
