i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
