nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
