I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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