Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
