I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
