Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
