Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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