I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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