Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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