I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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