she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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