I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
