Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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