Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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