Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
