I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
