guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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