I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
