But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They took my balls.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Text me some of your sweat
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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