So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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