Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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