I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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