I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
