...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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