Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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